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Parents take the responsibility of raising their kids very seriously. They feel the pressure to do all they can to make sure they are successful and happy.

Many parents believe that implies focusing on their favorite sport early and often. After all, a little is good and fun, then more should be better. Right?

Unfortunately, the evidence is clear that specialization in young athletes increases likelihood of injury and burnout. The study published by Sports Health in May 2013 compiled evidence that shows that delaying specialization in one sport is good for the athlete through decreased injury and increased participation.

They found that athletes who diversify when they are young and wait to specialize until later, increase chances of success for three reasons:

1. more enjoyment
2. fewer injuries
3. longer participation

Parents need to resist the temptations to focus on one sport too early if they want the best chances of happiness and success.

I have made a personal effort this year to watch at least two TED talks each week. There are tons of talks that offer new and unique perspectives on the world with the missing of “spreading ideas”. Usually, I gravitate to talks about technological innovations or understanding the history of technology. However, this week, I found a few talks that offer a better understanding of human psychology. It seems to me, these are talks which highlight the need to reshape youth sports.  Specifically, understand how shame is a misunderstood emotion.

Expectations

I believe youth sports has become so focused on success, that the social and mental benefits for kids are completely ignored. Parents set unreasonable expectations and have visions of college scholarships. They behave as if they just pushed a little harder or someone else pushed them, they could have been more successful. Therefore, they want to offer better opportunities for their kids.

It is clear higher demands and high expectations are not the real secret to success. Meeting goals and timelines is certainly proper and important for goal setting. However, that is only half the story.

Adversity

Although goals are important, personal growth only happens in the face of adversity. Challenges where failure is possible teach kids lessons in how to grow, especially in adulthood. Responding to failure teaches kids how to cope with adversity. Good coaches guide kids through that adversity using many tactics such as different drills, cheering “that’s alright” or “next play”, suggesting minor corrections, teaching points and many others that offer positive support.

However, there is one tactic that is destructive to future growth and the relationships kids need. That tactic is often employed without even realizing the impact. It often has exactly the opposite effect by creating fear and tension. That tactic is shame.

Connection

Connection is why we are here as humans. In order for connection to happen, we should be vulnerable. That means coaches need to allow kids to show vulnerability. Shame unravels connection it makes us feel unworthy to feel connected because “I’m not good enough”.

My Takeaways from “Listening to Shame – Brené Brown”

• Worthiness vs Shame – is people believe they are worthy of love an belonging. Courage (vs bravery) – to be imperfect, Compassion – to be kind to self, Connection – as a result of authenticity. Need to be able to let go of who they “should be” in order to be who they are.
• Blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
• Kids are hard wired for struggle. Kids don’t need to be pushed to make the golf team by 4th grade and college offers by 9th grade. Make sure they know they are imperfect and capable of dealing with mistakes. You ARE worthy of LOVE and BELONGING.
• Love with your whole heart – kids can tell if you’re fully invested!
• Practice gratitude – appreciated your life
• Believe I am enough
• Theodore Roosevelt – “Man in the Arena quote”
• Shame is the gremlin that say to us “You’re no good enough”. or “Who do you think you are?”
• Guilt is “I did something bad” – focus on behavior
• Shame is “I am bad” – focus on self
• The ability to hold up what we wanted to do or failed to do against something we want to be is incredibly adaptive.

By Gender

• Shame for women is do it all doit perfectly and never let them see you sweat. Unattainable expectations
• Shame for men is “do not be perceived as weak”

Empathy is key

• “If we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.” – Dr. Brené Brown
• Need to dare greatly

Translation to Coaching

Coaches need to understand that shame can cause a result, but it is not the most effective way to get there. In fact, the worst part is it robs people from understanding personal growth and becoming a truly strong and successful adult.

Respect Relationships

Coaches get the benefit of a presumed level of respect the first time they meet players and parents. Respect is the basis of any relationship, especially between players and coaches. Coaches that lose respect with their team, can’t influence behavior and effectiveness. Therefore, it is critical that coaches earn respect as soon as possible, but it is never too late.

Play My Kid is a resource to help coaches and parents team together to build strong kids. The key to forming that team is a relationship based on mutual respect. Coaches need to take the lead in creating and maintaining that relationship because it is their team.

Start with a Parent Meeting

Probably the easiest way to establish a foundation of respect is to host a parent meeting. The parent meeting provides a time to answer many questions for parents. Yet if you’re not sure what you’d discuss in a parent meeting, it can be an awkward conversation. Therefore, you can get a sample parent meeting agenda here. Just put your name and email below and click on “Send Agenda”. It will help you cover all the right topics whether you have 2o years or 2 days coaching experience.

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Coaching Values

When preparing for the parent meeting by reviewing the agenda, there are five core values coaches need to embed into everything you do. The following values are important to understand before the parent meeting because it underlies to purpose of the meeting:

• Connect – Respect can only be gained from people who know you. So, make sure you connect with every parent.
• Expectations – Set clear and fair expectations because players and parents want to follow your lead. Therefore, make sure they know where you’re going.
• Evaluate – Share your plan for evaluating player progress because players need to know how you perceive their progress. While it may be obvious to you, explicitly describing your process will make it clear and allow them to ask questions if it isn’t clear.
• Integrity – You demonstrate your integrity in even the smallest matters. Therefore, the level of respect to earn will correlate directly to the promises and commitments you make.
• Listen – Make sure parents know you are listening closely at all times. Most of all, they need to know you are open to their ideas and want to address their concerns throughout the season.

Next Steps

Coaches that are effective at building strong kids focus on their reputation by earning respect. Moreover, the five core values listed above should be incorporated into everything you do, and it all starts with the parent meeting. There is a series of posts coming to go deeper into each of these values.

We recommend a parent meeting at the beginning of the season because it is a great way to initiate your relationship with the team. However, you still need to incorporate your values into everything you do throughout the season. The Play My Kid Club is a growing resource for strategies and ideas that helps you gain respect as youth coach.

Everyone has seen parents yelling in the stands at players, officials and even coaches during grade school or high school sporting events. In fact, I’m sure you’re already thinking about the “crazy” parent that gets on your nerves. The parent who yells, “Catch the ball!” then throws their hands up as if someone just insulted their mother. While I certainly understand the underlying frustration, these fans are the reason youth sports are too intense.

Fans are why youth sports are too intense

First of all, let’s clarify the term “fan”. We like to think it is an endearing term that implies dedication, enjoyment, emotion and commitment to a player, team or cause. All very positive and supportive qualities. In fact, marketing is intended to create and convert people into fans to build loyalty. Therefore, we want fans for our kids, right? If fact, if we want to be good parents, we should be their biggest fans! I agree 100 %! Yet, how did the most enthusiastic fan become the “crazy” parent? Now its easier to see how youth sports are too intense.

Remember, that “fan” is really short for fanatic. If you lookup the definition of fanatic, you will find something like “excessive or unreasonable devotion or enthusiasm”. This gives me pause to reflect… Do I really want to be a fanatic for my kids? Will that serve them best?

Supporters

Parents focus on being supportive and encouraging. Especially when it comes to kids experiencing sports. Kids play sports because it’s fun, social, active and humans inherently love competition. Parents and coaches need to foster and support kids because it is a learning experience. Parents realize mistakes are going to happen as part of the learning process. Why would they expect anything different of kids in sports? Kids need to learn how to react to mistakes while having fun. They need support and coaching, not disappointed fanatics.

Kids need support and coaching, not disappointed fanatics.

Fans in Education

Lets compare the learning process in sports to the traditional academic learning process. Imagine a scenario where parents were allowed in school, as fans, to observe their child during class instruction. During the lesson, kids try to answer questions posed by the teacher. Would it be acceptable for parents to yell out the answer or directions? A  well informed fan would be quick to offer guidance out loud. Moreover, what would happen if a kid made a mistake or didn’t even answer an ‘easy question’? A fan might yell “awe come on! that was easy!” The most egregious offense happens when another kid is misbehaving or breaking a rule and the teacher didn’t address it? Again a fan would yell, “WOW! Are you blind?”

Although, this is not a perfect analogy, we hope you see it highlights why commonly accepted fan behavior is not appropriate in youth sports.  Just as the fan behavior is not appropriate in any other educational setting.

Proposed Causes

There may be better suited experts and research data which may explain the development of fan behavior in sports, but we suggest the following factors have impacted the parental fan based approach to youth sports:

• Competitive Sports Fallacy – The fallacy assumes that if competition is good, then kids need to play the best competition to be considered successful.
• Media Coverage of Amateur Sports – TV and radio have glorified amateur sports as entertainment, including the ranking of teams, ranking of players, arm chair analysis and side games of chance. Parents associate success in youth sports as a path into the college and pro sports covered by the media and the implicit success.
• Entertainment Marketing – brands for professional and college organizations, originally marketed as entertainment, has morphed passion in sports that inappropriately transfers to youth sports only because they are the same game.

Next Steps

Most parents would admit to falling into this fan trap. However, now that you can see why youth sports are too intense, you can help change the spirit of youth sports. You can make help by changing the behavior of fans to behave more like supporters instead of fanatics.

The change starts with your reaction as a coach. Mistakes and errors by players, officials and follow coaches need to be addressed like a professional, not a fanatic. This shift it will help the kids on your team know what success looks like. They will enjoy and grow in a healthy youth sports environment. Be the change.

Secondly, share this message with the parents on your team. Start at the beginning of the season and repeat as needed.

Finally, it is critical that you share this message with other adults involved in youth sports.

Share this post with your parents and ask them to share it with their friends using the links below.