Kurt

There are dozens of stories you hear every year about helicopter parents who are so concerned for their kids, they seem to be there with a pillow every time they could be falling. While that is not literally the case, it feels like some parents can’t let their kids fail for fear they will experience some pain. However, we can all recall the most formative times in our lives are the most challenging.

Coaches need to be able to challenge their players for them to grow. That usually means they are likely to fail a few times. Most coaches are trying to stretch players and accept failure as part of the process. On the other hand helicopter parents can influence coaches which ironically limits the child’s growth. As a coach, you need to manage the situation if the players are to improve under your watch.

I’m going to share four steps of managing helicopter parents on your team.

1. Identify – Identifying helicopter parents ahead of time may not be as obvious as it seems. While there will be some that will be there each and every day. The key factor is the focus and attention of the parent. Some just like to watch their kids play and are clearly would not be considered a helicopter parent. They are typically sitting quietly and possibly engaging in small talk with you during breaks.

Whereas the helicopter parent is watching just their kids, shouting or whispering tips just to their daughter or son. They are watching every play and action, ready to correct as soon as they make a mistake. Likewise, it won’t take long before the player will be paralyzed during play trying to please their parent by doing everything “right”. These players eventually become robots because they are just trying to follow directions. Robots, like the tin-man, don’t have any heart. Coaches need players who can play and kids can’t play unless they have their heart in the game ready to learn.

2. Establish Your role – Now that you’ve identified there is a helicopter parent on your team, you have to remind yourself that your role is to have a positive impact for the kids. That also implies you need to accept that your responsibility to make it clear to the parent and player that, during practices and games the coaches are in charge. Parents need to trust you as a coach that your job is to make them better. Set the tone early in the season and make it clear for all parents that coaching from the sideline is not acceptable.

One of the best sentences I’ve stolen from anther coach is, “Parents need to know that, while it may not seem like it at home, they hear you in the stands over anything the coaches yell.” Coaches need to be the only voice they hear except cheering and support.

3. Addressing parents – Aside from establishing your role as the coach, you may have to address a parent directly regarding their impact on their child’s growth. You don’t need to be aggressive nor rude. However, you do need to describe what you observed, how it impacted the situation and what they can do instead. We can break this down deeper at another time, but the key thing is not to wait until there have been too many incidents. Ignoring it will not make it go away. In fact, it will just get worse. When you do finally talk with the parent they will be thinking, “I just crossed the line once, it will never happen again.” In fact, you probably wait until you couldn’t take it any more or the other parents ask you to speak up. Unfortunately, that can be too late if you want to change the parent’s behavior and make the season a positive experience for the player. As the coach you may get the blame because you didn’t get along with the parent. That may not be fair, but just like in competition, it is not always fair. However, if you really want to be a great coach, you have to be willing do your part to improve youth sports. It IS your role point out the counter-productive behavior.

4. Addressing players – In my experience, players are in the toughest position because they love their parents and want to please them. Depending on the age group, they may not have matured enough to appreciate the need for risk with the potential for failure. I happen to think this is the greatest lesson that youth sports provides, coping with failure. As the coach, your role is to convince the player that failure and disappointment are good, because it’s the only way to learn. The disappointment they feel in failure shows they care.

Addressing players with helicopter parents can be a bit touchy. You certainly don’t want to create any tension at home and insulting their parents won’t help your relationships either. My recommendation is to confirm they heard their parents and remind the player their parents love them so much, “they want you to succeed”. Then remind them you want them to succeed too and they need to get better by trying new experiences. However, remind them hey should be listening to coaches because the coaches have a bigger picture of the season, the team, the plays and their improvement as a player.

Explain to the player that you are going to talk with their parents to make sure they understand the confusion it creates and makes everyone look silly. Let them know it’s okay to tell their parents, “I think you should talk with my coach because I’m not sure who to pay attention to during games. I’m confused and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

These are some very high level steps to dealing with parents. Look for more details to come soon.

My Youth Sports Experience

I remember the excitement and nervousness of the first day of a new season as a player. The anticipation of new opportunities and a fresh felt like sitting across the room from a stack of gifts at Christmas. On the other hand, the anxiety of comparing my skills, size and speed with everyone else to figure out who I was going to battle for playing time.

Unfortunately, my mental calculations and internal prognostications rarely came into reality. My self evaluation was usually far more generous than any coach saw. In retrospect, my anxiousness and determination to follow directions, would limit my ability to just play the game. It is ironic because that my motivation for joining the team in the first place.

I was always on the taller end of the scale for my age and everyone seemed to notice (at least in my head). I felt like, everyone would ask, “Do you play basketball?” Of course, as an wise and experienced 9 year old, I internalized the innocent conversation starter as a social expectation. “If I’m tall, I should take advantage.”, I told myself.

Just to be clear, I was not a naturally gifted athlete. However, I did work hard with dedication, repetition and millions of failures to develop enough skills to play through high school. I won’t rattle off any stats because there is not much there, but I did get enough playing time to have just one coach invite me to play at the next level. However, that was not the direction for me and I have no regrets.

The Value of Youth Sports

When my high school career was over, it was an emotional few days of my life that I will never forget. While there was a very slim chance I would be able to ‘walk on’ at the division II university I was planning to attend in the fall. I knew nothing was guaranteed. So, the likelihood of not playing competitive basketball again for the rest of my life, was like losing a family member. It was an important part of my life and now it was over.

In retrospect, I became immediately nostalgic because I would miss the people and places that had become friends. I realized how priceless the whole experience was to me. There was nothing anyone could do to “fix it”. Unlike missing a basket or turning the ball over, it wasn’t something I could just “try again” or “do better next time”. It was over!

There are plenty of things in life we can’t wait to finish like a root canal, stomach flu or a bad boss. These will never evoke fond memories. Clearly, those things deserve to be forgotten, because they were not pleasant experiences.

My sense of loss at the end of my career was a clear indication that I had a great experience. I wanted to ‘keep it alive’ because it was so positive. It taught me and reinforced many values I hold dear today. It also helped me understand my limitations and by ability to improve. It taught me I need to work with other people. It was a microcosm of ‘teams’ I would be part of the reset of my life; family, work, church and other groups of people with a purpose.

Since then, I have experienced things I can only hope to share with the kids I coach today.